


As Long As You're Mine

by orphan_account



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, M/M, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-20
Updated: 2010-11-20
Packaged: 2017-12-06 02:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Logan, the sensible one. What would possess him to go out and drink? He's more levelheaded than that, or so James would like to think. Logan is never one to test and push boundaries, always the one to be cautious and careful. This. This just isn't something Logan would do. Only how apparently now it is.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Long As You're Mine

James sits up abruptly, the sound of someone stumbling about jerking him from sleep. He climbs out of bed with a sigh, his hands rubbing sleepily at his eyes. He opens the door to his and Kendall's bedroom, screwing his eyes shut tight as the harsh light from the kitchen burns at his retinas. He blinks his eyes open slowly, allowing his eyes to adjust before he steps out fully, his eyes scanning every inch visible for the source of the sound.

James breath catches in his throat as he walks into the living room and surveys the scene. Logan is draped over the arm of the sofa, his hair and clothes askew, reeking vaguely of booze and stale cigarette smoke. James fights the urge to retch at the smell as he approaches Logan, placing a gentle hand to his shoulder and shaking him awake.

"Logan, get up. If Mrs. Knight catches you out here like this, you're screwed," James says quietly, hoping it'll have some effect.

Logan snores in response, then opens his mouth and smacks his tongue against the roof of his mouth loudly. James groans loudly, rapidly growing irritated at Logan's state.

"Logan, if you don't wake up in two seconds, I'll carry you into the bathroom and throw you into a cold shower," James threatens through gritted teeth.

Much to his annoyance, Logan still doesn't show any signs of waking up. James huffs and steps to the side of the sofa, holding his breath as he hoists Logan over his shoulder and carries him off to the bathroom. He sets Logan down into the tub carefully making sure not to hit him against anything that could possibly bruise before turning on the shower, setting the water to as cold as it gets.

Logan sputters awake, wiping blearily at his face as the water streams down it. He hiccups for breath as he inhales the water through his nose and mouth, the back of his nose burning at the sensation.

James turns the water off immediately, the sound of Logan's cough slightly scaring him. He grabs a towel from the linen closet, tossing it to Logan who's trying to stand on shaky feet. The towel slips through Logan's hands and falls to the floor of the tub, soaking up the remaining water. James groans internally as he grabs another towel, walking over to Logan and wrapping it around his shoulders as he helps him climb out of the bathtub.

"So, do you mind telling me why you're stumbling home at 3:30 in the morning smelling like alcohol and smoke?" James asks cautiously.

"I dunno what you're talking about," Logan mumbles in response.

"I'm not as stupid as you think, Logan. I know that smell anywhere. What makes you think it was a good idea to come home at this time and pass out in the living room? Do you have any idea how Mrs. Knight would have reacted if I hadn't found you first?"

"I don't need you to do me any favors. You could've just left me there. I'm a big boy, James," Logan quips back.

"Whatever, dude. Finish taking care of yourself, then," James responds, throwing the towel at Logan and walking out of the bathroom.

"James, I didn't-," Logan starts. "Come back," he whispers, guilt creeping up. When it's clear that James isn't returning, Logan curses to himself while he slips out of his wet clothes, throwing them to the floor where they land with a loud thwap. He doesn't bother getting dressed when he returns to his room; he simply hangs the towel then climbs into bed, his head whirring.

James walks into the kitchen and grabs the bottle of Febreze, spraying every inch he can in hopes to overpower the odor Logan dragged in. He sniffs the air after a few moments and decides the odor is suitably concealed. He nods to himself in satisfaction and sets the bottle of Febreze back in the kitchen, finally able to return to bed. As he tosses and turns in bed, his mind drifts to Logan.

Logan, the sensible one. What would possess him to go out and drink? He's more levelheaded than that, or so James would like to think. Logan is never one to test and push boundaries, always the one to be cautious and careful. This. This just isn't something Logan would do. Only how apparently now it is.

James groans quietly, pulling at his hair. He's confused and a little hurt, not quite sure what to make of Logan suddenly not trusting him. The smell of Logan's breath, a heady scent of vodka on his tongue, is the last thing James thinks about as he's consumed by sleep.

\--

James awakes the next morning and walks out of his room into the kitchen, finding everyone already sitting down with breakfast. He quickly takes his place, eagerly devouring the food in front of him. He looks around as everyone is submerged into conversation, taking note of Logan's appearance. James wonders briefly if he had imagined the previous night's events; Logan's bright and chipper attitude seemingly out of place for someone with a hangover. He shrugs his shoulders at himself, letting the thought disappear from his mind as he finishes his food. He offers a quick thanks to Mrs. Knight before he excuses himself from the table, disappearing into the bathroom for his morning shower.

The shower has become somewhat of a respite for him, a temporary escape from whatever lunacy is occurring. He allows himself to stand under the hot stream of water until it runs cold, jerking him back to reality. James forgoes his usual jeans and a t-shirt, opting for sweatpants and a tank top instead. He wraps a black bandanna around his head and walks into the living room, patiently awaiting Kelly's arrival to transport them to the studio.

\--

Rehearsal for Logan is a huge challenge as he tries desperately to keep up his facade. Every spin makes the dull throb in his head roar to life, every jump and bounce makes him stomach twist, bile threatening to make its way up. The moment Gustavo dismisses them, Logan is running off to the bathroom, swallowing in deep breaths of air to calm his stomach. He stands at the counter, his eyes transfixed on his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are dull, the brightness that was there only hours before replaced. His complexion is sallow, the slight tan he had developed lost under the sickly hue. He runs the cold water and splashes some against his face, cooling his overheated skin.

“Logan, come on. Time to go,” Carlos interrupts as he sticks his head into the bathroom, pausing when he takes in Logan’s appearance. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just ate too much food this morning, you know how it is, moving around so much on a full stomach. Never ends well,” he lies easily, momentarily believing himself.

Carlos laughs at that, his mouth falling open and his shoulders shaking. “Oh, Logie. How many times have you told me not to do that?”

Logan forces out a small laugh of his own in response as he grabs a handful of paper towels and dries off his face. “Yeah, yeah. Keep laughing. Let’s go before they decide to leave us here.”

Carlos swings an arm around Logan’s shoulders as they walk out of the studio and climb into the car, James and Kendall looking impatient at their delay. Logan pays them no attention as he settles into his seat, closing his eyes and breathing deeply through his nose, the movement of the car anything but settling. 

\--

The car ride to the Palm Woods is quiet, almost awkwardly so. James is staring at Logan where he’s pressed against Carlos’ side, a sudden fit of jealousy simmering beneath his skin. He shakes his head, focusing his attention on something, anything, that isn’t Logan and Carlos. He digs his fingernails into his thighs, his mind eased slightly by the distracting twinge of pain.

The car rolls to a stop outside of the Palm Woods, Kelly opening the door and climbing out first. The boys slide out one by one, Carlos keeping a hand placed to the small of Logan’s back. James groans in distaste at the sight, picking up his speed as he makes his way to their apartment. He immediately retreats into his bedroom, for once thankful that he doesn’t share it with Logan; or Carlos for that matter. He doesn’t trust himself around them, not with the sudden emotions running through him. He’s not quite sure what to make of them and truthfully he’s a little afraid to find out what they mean, though he’s almost positive he already knows.

It’s something he buried deep down, shoved it to the back of his mind, something he told himself he’d never dwell on. While his peers were all looking at the opposite gender, James was preoccupied with Logan; Logan with his mouth full of metal, his cracking voice, the patches of acne. To everyone else he wasn’t much, but to James, Logan was everything, everywhere, every thought, and that. That scared James senseless. It was hard enough dealing with the onslaught of hormones, along with everyone suddenly changing, but he didn’t want this; didn’t want to feel this way about his best friend, so he did the only thing he could think of: he forgot about it, choosing to fill his time with anything that wasn’t Logan, distancing himself from him. No one thought anything of it, chalking it up to James coming into his own, feeling comfortable enough in his own skin to pursue the opposite gender, something the others weren’t ready to do.

James buries his head into his pillow, biting into it to suppress the frustrated screams threatening to spill from his lips. He knows he has no right to be jealous of whatever Carlos and Logan have, if they even have anything. He tells himself he’s reading too far into it, that they’re all overly friendly, years and years of history between the 4 of them creating a bond so strong that simple touches were the norm. He lets his eyes fall shut, the image of Carlos’ hand resting against Logan’s back burning at the inside of his eyelids.

\--

He wakes with a start, every nerve in his body on fire, his skin flushed and overheated. His hair is matted to his forehead and his mouth is dry. He swallows a few times, failing to wet his mouth sufficiently. He shifts in his bed, stopping abruptly when he notices the way his sweatpants stick to his front. Taking a deep breath, he rolls out of bed and hobbles to his dresser, pulling out a fresh pair of sweatpants and draping them over his shoulder. A sigh of relief escapes his lips as he makes his way to the bathroom in the darkness.

James is in the midst of pulling his legs free from his pants and boxers when the door to the bathroom bangs open and Logan tumbles in. In his haste to cover himself, James trips over his feet and lands on the floor with a dull thud. Logan stumbles slightly, tripping over James’ feet, unable to catch his balance as he lands on top of James.

“James. James. Hi,” Logan giggles against James’ shoulder.

“Logan. Please, please tell me you didn’t go out again,” James begs, knowing he’s not going to like the answer. He can smell the smoke in Logan’s hair, can smell the fruity drink on Logan’s breath.

“Oh, but I did, James. You should come with me sometime,” he says, shifting his position and tucking his face into the curve of James’ neck.

James’ eyes fly open as Logan shifts against him, the rough denim of his jeans brushing against James’ bare crotch. “Logan, get up, come on. I need you to get off of me so I can get dressed.”

“Uh-uh. M’comfortable right here,” Logan replies into his neck. His lips send shivers down James’ spine as they faintly brush against the sensitive skin of his neck.

“Dude, if you want to cuddle or whatever, just let me get dressed. We can go sit in the living room and watch a movie together if you want,” James tries. Much to his surprise, it works. Logan rolls off of him and turns around, grabbing the counter for leverage as he stands. James stands and pulls up the soiled clothes, cringing as they touch his skin. “But first, you need to shower. If I have to be around you smelling like that, I might throw up everywhere.”

Logan mumbles something unintelligible at James who shrugs in response, spinning on his heel and nearly falling to the floor. Logan is standing with his back toward James, his shirt already discarded. His muscles flex under his skin as he works on removing his pants, and James’ hands itch to touch, to trail his fingers over the smooth creamy skin, to feel the muscles move under his fingers.

James coughs awkwardly to avoid the moans that are bubbling in his throat and forces himself to look away. “I uh-I’m going to make you some coffee. So yeah. I’ll uh-I’ll be out there, waiting for you,” James stutters out, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “Can you manage to shower without hurting yourself?” he asks as an afterthought, Logan’s inebriation slipping his mind momentarily.

“Huh? Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll just call you if I need help. Sound good?” Logan questions in response.

“Yeah, that’ll be fine.” James finally exits the bathroom, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He scurries off to his room and strips the soiled clothes from his body, trying his hardest to remain quiet while moving fast. He pulls out yet another pair of sweatpants from his dresser and slips them on, regaling in the comfort of the fresh pants. He grabs a pillow and blanket from his bed and carries them out to the living room, throwing them on the sofa as he makes his way to the kitchen. He flips the switch on the coffee pot, knowing Mrs. Knight puts everything in there before she goes to sleep, and heads back to the sofa, pushing his pillow against the arm rest and draping his blanket over the length of it.

Logan carefully walks out of the bathroom running a hand through his hair just as James finishes fixing the sofa. James sees that Logan is wearing the sweatpants he left in the bathroom, and it sends a wave of adoration through him.

“Feel better?” James asks quietly, watching as Logan jumps slightly at the sound of his voice.

“Kind of? I don’t know, not really. I feel cleaner, though, if that’s what you mean,” Logan replies, joining James in the living room. “I grabbed the sweatpants you left in the bathroom, I hope you don’t mind,” he adds, gesturing to pants he’s wearing.

“Nah dude, it’s cool. So, the coffee is probably done, if you wanted any.” James suddenly feels awkward, unsure of how to act or what to say. He’s never had this problem, not with anyone, and especially not with Logan.

“We can just watch TV for now, if that’s okay,” Logan suggests timidly.

James nods and sits down on the sofa, unsure of how Logan wants to lay, or if he even wants to at all. “Um, I’m not sure-.”

Logan cuts him off by pressing a hand to his chest, pushing him so he’s lying down on his back. He crawls between his legs and places his head on James’ chest, his arms laying at James’ side. James grabs the remote from the coffee table and flicks the TV on, flipping to a random channel before putting it back and hesitantly placing a hand against Logan’s back. 

“So, wanna tell me what’s going on with you lately?” James asks cautiously. He figures now is the best chance he’s got to get any sort of truth out of Logan.

“S’nothing, really. Just working through some stuff,” Logan replies into his chest, his voice barely above a whisper.

“This, Logan, this isn’t working through it, this is avoiding it. This is risking all of our careers,” James replies, perhaps a little harsher than usual. 

“Please, just trust me. I know what I’m doing.” Logan’s almost pleading, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he hopes James will change the conversation.

“I-fine. Just, if you need to talk you know I’m here for you, right?”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks.”

They settle into a comfortable silence, James running his hands up and down Logan’s back soothingly. Logan melts into the touch, pressing himself firmly against James. James twirls the strands of hair splayed against the back of Logan’s neck in his fingers, fighting the exhaustion that’s trying to pull him to sleep. Logan shifts to his side, curling his free hand against James’ chest. James smiles down at him, watching as his eyelashes fan out against his cheeks. Unable to resist the temptation of sleep, James allows his eyes to drift shut, quickly falling into a slumber.

\--

Logan looks up at James through his eyelashes and watches for a few moments as James sleeps. He looks peaceful, every muscle in his face relaxed. Logan can’t resist the temptation, the way James’ lips are pouted perfectly in his sleep. He lifts himself slowly, careful not to jostle and wake James. He brushes their lips together in the faintest of touches, barely enough pressure to be considered a kiss. He pulls back immediately, his heart pounding loudly in his chest and ears. He slides back into his previous position, resting on his side between James’ legs, his free hands trailing feather-light over James’ abdomen.

“Why can’t I just tell you?” Logan whispers into the air, thankful no one is awake to hear his question slash admission. He knows he’s being stupid and foolish, knows he’s risking not only his career but Kendall’s, Carlos’, and James’ career, too. It’s selfish of him, to sneak out every night and come home at all times of the night smelling of alcohol, the taste and scent lingering in his mouth. He knows, knows, if he gets caught, it’s back to Minnesota for the 4 of them, but that doesn’t keep him from going. Even the look of disappointment on James’ face isn’t enough to keep him home. He’s stupid and if he doesn’t stop, he knows he’s going to mess everything up. He groans to himself and rises from his position, draping the blanket over James’ body before he heads to his room, collapsing onto his bed.

\--

James awakes the next morning alone, his stomach sinking at the realization. He feels the tell-tale prick in his eyes, blinking rapidly to fight off the impending tears. He laughs at himself, at the silly idea that Logan would ever return his feelings. He grabs his pillow and blanket and retreats to his bedroom, burying himself under a mound of blankets.  
“Rehearsal is canceled. Gustavo has the flu,” Kendall says, his voice muffled by the numerous layers between him and James. “Logan says he thinks he’s getting the flu, too, so me, mom, Katie, and Carlos are going to head out for the day, probably catch a movie and go to the beach or something. Wanna come?”

That stirs a reaction from James. He unburies himself from the cocoon of blankets and pops his head up, looking around the room as he allows his eyes to adjust to the light. “Nah, I think I’ll pass. I’ll stay here with Logan just in case he needs anything.”

“We probably won’t be back till late. I’ll have Mom leave money so you can order a pizza later. Try not to catch whatever Logan has,” Kendall jokes, waving in farewell before turning and leaving.

James kicks the blankets to the floor, his body sticky with sweat from being wrapped in them for so long. He lies in bed for a few moments, staring up at the ceiling as he twiddles his thumbs. Bored and in need of a shower, he hops out of bed and grabs a pair of shorts and boxers from his dresser. He showers and dresses quickly, emerging a short time later. He tosses his laundry into the hamper and exits his room once again, walking over to Logan and Kendall’s room. He softly knocks on the door, the door swinging open under the slight force. Logan is lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, his hands folded and resting on his stomach. “Hey, Kendall said you weren’t feeling well. Do you need anything?” 

Logan moves his gaze from the ceiling to the doorway, his heart speeding up as he realizes he and James are home alone. “No, I’m fine actually. I just didn’t feel like going anywhere today,” Logan confesses.

“Ah, I see. Well, I guess I’ll just leave you alone.”

“No, don’t,” Logan says forcefully, his cheeks heating in embarrassment at the sound of neediness in his voice. “I mean, you don’t have to. You can sit in here. With me. If you want,” he amends.

“Yes, yeah,” James responds eagerly, excited to spend some alone time with Logan. He moves into the room and joins Logan on his bed, lying side by side with their shoulders pressed together. They lay there in silence, soaking up each others’ company.

“So,” Logan begins, breaking the silence.

“So,” James mimics, unsure of what to say.

“I’m gay,” Logan says suddenly. He feels his throat tighten and his eyes begin to water. He turns his head and fixes his gaze on the wall, not quite sure what to expect from James.

“I-uh. That’s-um,” James sputters, the confession taking him by surprise. He immediately quells the hopeful feeling booming in his chest, knowing how much it hurts to get your hopes crushed. He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves before he tries again. “That’s cool. You’re still the same Logan to me. Is that why…,” he trails off, not quite sure of how to phrase his question.

“Not really. Well, kind of, yeah,” Logan supplies, answering the unfinished question.

“What’s the other part?”

“I-I’m not ready to talk about that.”

“Fair enough,” James responds. He opens and closes his mouth a few times as he works up the nerve to speak again. “What would you say if I was, too?”

“If you were too what?” Logan asks, not following James’ train of thought.

“Gay,” James whispers, the word feeling foreign on his tongue.

“Oh. I don’t know. I mean, are you?”

“Yeah, I am,” he responds shakily, feeling the first tear slide down his face.

Logan turns to him immediately, wiping the stray tear away with his thumb. “Hey, no need to cry. It’s me, remember? I’m not going to think any different of you. That’d be incredibly hypocritical of me. You’re still the same person, still the same appearance obsessed guy, still the same person I f-f-followed around, asking for relationship advice. You’ll always be the same James to me,” Logan says sincerely, catching himself at the last moment from spilling everything.

“The same can be said for you. I don’t know why you feel the need to go out. Why can’t you just come to me? We don’t even have to talk; we can just sit there and do nothing. I just. What if something bad were to happen to you? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. We’re still so young, Logan. You have to stop this reckless behavior,” James pleads, needing Logan to listen to him, to understand just how much he cares.

“Because I love you, that’s why,” Logan whispers, climbing off the bed and moving to sit on Kendall’s.

“What did you say?” James asks, not quite sure if he heard correctly. His heart beats wildly and his palms start to sweat as he awaits Logan’s response.

“I said ‘I love you’,” Logan repeats, his voice barely louder than before.

“That’s what I thought you said,” James replies, moving off of Logan’s bed and joining him on Kendall’s. He presses Logan down onto the bed and climbs on top of him, straddling his hips. He leans down and presses their lips together, and it’s like everything he’s ever felt, every obstacle he’s ever overcome, it’s all so trivial compared to that moment.

“James. James, stop. What are you doing?” Logan asks breathlessly as he pulls away.

“I thought it was pretty obvious,” James jokes.

“I’m serious. You can’t-You need to mean it. I can take it if you don’t feel the same, just please, don’t play with me,” Logan says, rolling out from underneath James and moving to the opposite side of the room, not trusting himself to be close to James just yet.

James huffs and crosses the room after Logan, fisting his hands into the front of Logan’s shirt. He crashes their lips together, prying Logan’s mouth open with his tongue, licking at every crevice he can reach. He flicks his tongue against Logan’s, Logan shivering and reaching to grab his hips tightly in response. Their mouths move together effortlessly, Logan taking everything James is offering. The sound of their slick lips moving together permeates the air, an occasional moan or soft sigh escaping.

“I love you. I’ve been in love with you since we were 12 years old,” James confesses upon pulling away.

“Yeah?” Logan asks, a little breathless.

“Mhm,” James replies, smiling as he brushes their lips together again.

“Wait, wait,” Logan interrupts. “I guess um-this was the real reason for the going out and being a dumbass. I know, it’s a stupid reason, but I don’t know. I just. I was afraid of what you would say when you found out, and I’m still kind of worried about what everyone else is going to say, but I think with you by my side, I’ll be okay,” he continues, finally giving James the explanation he longed for.

“Logan. I’m sorry, so so sorry,” he apologizes, cupping Logan’s face in his hands. “How um-how long have you been sneaking out, anyway?” he asks, his curiosity piqued. 

“I dunno, a few weeks maybe. It’s really not important anymore. It got me you, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose it did,” James agrees.

And really, that's all that mattered.


End file.
